# happiness.py
from heart import attention, gratitude, wonder

def main():
    life = Happiness()

As the new year begins, we find ourselves on the precipice of making the same promise every new year brings: to be better. Or at least, that’s what I do.

Be better. Do more. Get it together.

I tell myself I will not fall for it, and then I do.

 def make_tea(self, warmth="gentle"):
        return f"steep({warmth}) + inhale(slowly)"

Turning 25 didn’t feel life changing. What felt heavier were the months before it, when I realised I had been running on momentum for a long time without checking where it was taking me. I have always wanted to be somebody. I grew up on adventure novels with eccentric, slightly unhinged protagonists who went on a series of side quests and called it life and have long held that as my standard for the way of peaceful living. Not the heroism, just the permission to wander. Of course I knew it was idealistic. “Shadows Over Loathing” is nowhere close to reality and I resent that but I wanted to get close to some manner of being content at least. So I tried.

“Try” became my word of the year. I tried. Really hard. I tried in the way people do when they are scared of being average. I said yes too quickly. I measured my days in responsiveness and output. There were small wins, then the kind of failures that sit with you longer than they should. When I spent every day working, eyes glued to the screen, saying “Yes, I’m on it” for the 50th time that day, coming home with aching feet and a stiff back (I’m only 25!), I realised I hit a fork in the road. Or rather that I was coming to the edge of a cliff and I was so scared of falling over. In that aspiration to “be better”, I found myself losing a lot of the essence of who I was.

def __init__(self):
        self.pockets = []          # small delights you can carry
        self.noise = float("nan")  # unmeasurable; ignore dashboards
        self.now = "present"

I’m only 25…adding the word ‘only’ took me a whole year. I felt too old and too young at the same time. Being in a transitional phase of life looks different for everyone. For me, I felt the same thing I always felt: that I was behind. Like I was late to a party no one had given me the address for. I thought I found it at times but I ended up lost again and again.

It became even more apparent when I did my deep cleaning for the year and found…dozens of unread books, unfinished games, journalling materials slowly fading and stationery that had aged out of usefulness. Things I had bought with intention and then never touched. I had convinced myself this was discipline. That I was waiting for the right moment. It was not. It was a scarcity mindset that made even enjoyment feel conditional.

I lived like everything needed to be saved for later. Lip products instead of experiences. Planners half-filled and then subsequently abandoned. Skincare expired and unopened. It was so easy to believe that just because I don’t buy the most landfill-worthy items that I had handle on things. But now I’ll call a spade a spade. It’s hoarding. And I can’t excuse it as me simply being a jack of all trades; that I have too many hobbies or that it’s self care. I’m too old for that.

  def notice(self, thing):
        # the smallest details have the highest signal-to-noise ratio
        self.pockets.append(thing)
        return f"saved: {thing}"

It started to make sense when I actually used my pretty, gilded journal for once and inked words onto its thick paper that I realised my therapist was right. Writing slows down the the life you live in your head. Very much guilty of that, I put my pen to paper more and more. And another thing, stuck with therapy for once! What started as a need to manage my anxiety turned into a deep reflection of my current ways and what I was working towards and living for. Therapy helped in the same unglamorous way. Not breakthroughs. Just noticing patterns. Seeing how often I postponed living until I felt more deserving of it.

I pushed myself a lot in the last year. I definitely think some part of my brain woke up after my prefrontal cortex developed because I found myself relit with a new vigour for life. I wasn’t lost, for one. I was in the process of finding what served me and now, it’s my job to be brave enough to let myself do those things. That part was quieter. Less impressive. Harder to explain to other people.

Last year did not give me answers, but it did force a reset. I was not lost so much as overloaded. I started paying attention to what actually felt sustaining rather than what looked productive. That part was quieter. Less impressive. Harder to explain to other people.

def practice(self):
        yield self.notice("sunlight on the floor")
        yield self.notice("a page that makes you pause")
        yield self.notice("a song you didn't skip and found you loved")
        yield self.release("urgency")
        yield self.notice("laughter, unplanned")
        yield "return to breath"

My aim for the new year, as such, is to live in a manner that sparks joy. To let go of the idea of fighting to prove my worth. I want to fill my Pagebound with books that I have read, to end the year with a full journal of memories, to live like a little swashbuckling hedonist like I’ve always wanted (in that I enjoy life, not anything else lol). To invest in my growth and happiness. To delight in life.

This year, I won’t reinvent myself. I am still ambitious. I am still curious. I am just no longer interested in running everything at once and pretending it is sustainable. I want to be more present in the life I am already in. Rest without turning it into a reward. Let enjoyment exist alongside effort without needing to justify it.

 # choose presence over precision
    for moment in life.practice():
        print(moment)
if __name__ == "__main__":
    raise RuntimeError("Do not run. Go outside.")

With this new year, I wonder what theme you will apply to your life. Or at the very least, what is something you will pour your effort into? Before I leave you to your morning, afternoon, or night, remember that your year has joys waiting with your name on them ~